Friday, June 30, 2006

better thing about honesty...

So, funny thing about trust.

When it's there,
you know that your friend is real.

And that whole thing about trust meaning that you can be really real, and honest...

It means you have to be honest
when you feel like you've been un-trusted.
And honest that you've been hurt.
And you have to trust that the supposed un-truster
Can handle your honesty.
Otherwise you've un-trusted them.

And honestly, if all that trust is real,
Then the truth is okay.
No matter what it is.
That's a friendship grounded in grace.
And truth.
And in something deeper than me.
It's about honouring someone else.
And accepting their friendship as a gift from God.

Sounds hokey.
But it's real.


Monday, June 26, 2006

funny thing about trust...

Funny thing about trust.
It grows
and sometimes
you don't even see it happening.
It just does.
And suddenly, you realize that your walls are down.
And honesty isn't work.
And being real is really real.
And hearing things that stink are okay.
And saying things that stink are okay, too.

Until your heart is questioned.
And in an instant, you feel untrusted.
It might not be a word - untrusted.
But it's a feeling.

And it doesn't matter how many times
you explain it away
and tell yourself that it's okay.
It's really not.

And you don't take falling asleep for granted.
You actually consider getting up at 4:45
in hopes of making something productive of your alertness.

Funny thing,
that un-trust.
It hurts.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Trust...and obey

I've been challenged to think a lot in the last while.
And thinking a lot also puts into question where my heart is at.
Sometimes I think I can keep the two separate.
But really, I'm learning that I can't.
What I think about is what's on my heart.
And what's on my heart is what I think about.

And the consolidation of them (thanks, Margaret)
Has brought me to that age old chorus of
Trust and obey.
I know they are supposed to just go together nicely...
trust and obey.
The thing I've come to realize, however,
is that sometimes it's easy to say, "I trust."
God is faithful.
God is good.
He cares for His children.
Sounds simple, doesn't it?
The funny part is that it's not that easy.
The trust part - it's a head thing.
Mind over matter.
That I can do.
But the obey part - it's more than a mindset.
It's a following through.
It takes action.
It asks me to check in on who God is calling me to be.
And the truth is that's not always an easy answer.
It goes back to that verse in Ephesians.
"Find out what pleases the Lord."
Again, simple?
I think not.
Obedience isn't just something I can decide and do.
First I have to figure out what obeying God really means.
And it's not always the same thing.
Sounds like a lot of reasons to throw my hands up.
Or sighhhh.
Sort of...but I'm not in it alone.
He's promised to help me understand what I need to.
(Not necessarily all that I want to...)
And to walk alongside me through the entire mess.
And to bring me blessing through my choices.
Not necessarily to agree with all my choices.
Or to make them hurt-free.
Or to have them turn out the way I think they should.
But to be there nonetheless.
And to hold me in His hands.
They're big hands.
Steady and full of grace.
Good thing.
And He won't throw His up at a loss for what to do next.
He is constant.
And is holding me tightly.
Gripped in His grace.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Ah, rest...

I have the unfortunate experience of not having a voice.
Funny thing, not having a voice.
At first I thought it was unfortunate.
My friends laughed at me.
And told me how awful I sounded.
And I couldn't really communicate very well.
But, it has landed me a day at home as I can't teach without one.
And other than the voice, I feel pretty good.
And you don't really need to talk to anyone when you're at home alone.
Except telemarketers.
I had one ask me if I was okay today.
He thought I was on oxygen and perhaps dying.
Then he asked if I had the flu.
It was a good transition and he didn't spend 20 minutes trying to convince me to buy his product.
So that was good.
I can't sing, however, and that's a bit of a challenge.
But it means I have to listen.
So I did.
I listened to music.
And didn't sing.
And then I listened to 3 sermons from Brian.
Haven't done that in awhile, but it was good.
I think it would be fun to call my mom to chat, but alas, back to that not chatting thing.
And I could call the university to find out about parking for my summer course.
Only they wouldn't understand me on the other end.
Okay, so it's not all sunshine.
But I'm getting work done.
And that's a good thing.
Yay me.
Only 2 weekends left until all procrastination must be finished.