I wonder

The wonder of Christmas.
A star in the sky.
A shepherd out in a field.
A little baby born among the animals.

The wonder of Christ.
God becoming man.
Choosing to live like us.
With us even.

I wonder.
I wonder what it was like to be Mary.
To know such great imperfection
and yet to raise that which was perfection.

And I wonder what it is like
For Him to look down –
knowing what He did
and seeing us let it pass by
like a familiar story that lacks the inspirational punch.

And it is then that I am in wonder
at the wonder-ful gift of His grace.

He looks down
And He loves us anyway.

This Christmas...

This Christmas might be like every other Christmas you have ever celebrated.
It might be the traditions that you love.
The family members that you try to love.
The food you know you don’t need or
shopping for someone who's hard to buy for.
Or maybe it's the gifts that you complained about shopping for,
But loved watching the receiver open.

This Christmas might be like no Christmas you’ve ever had before.
It might have you taking part in something like you’ve never done before.
Or giving a gift to someone you’ve never shopped for before.
Maybe it has you embracing the concept of a “blue Christmas” in a way you hadn’t needed to do in years previous.
Maybe it’s different because it seems hopeless.
Or different because the snow and the decorating didn’t get you into the Christmas spirit.

Maybe you could recite Luke 2
And you know the magi didn’t really come to the stable.
Maybe you feel like the shepherds out in the fields are just part of a story.
A story that you know so well.

May you find the wonder –
Through the eyes of an innkeeper exhausted from a long day of preparing for and then serving enough guests to fill his sleeping quarters, only to find an expectant couple looking earnestly for a room.
Through the eyes of a man scorned by his people, but willing to stand to save the face of the woman he loved.
Through the eyes of a young girl so unprepared for what lay ahead, so unsure of all that God was asking her to do, yet so completely devoted to obediently following His call.
Through the eyes of a shepherd, cast into the hills by the townspeople for a low-end night shift, being greeted by a sight that no one would believe – that you aren’t sure that you even believe yourself.
Through the eyes of a Son, who humbled Himself to be a son of man.
Through the eyes of a Father, who entrusted His son to a daughter of man.

May you wonder at the wonder that is Christ.

Remembering...

Cold

Ask anyone of 27 thousand Bomber fans about the game on Saturday and they'll probably go into a description of the quarterback, or maybe the lacking defense on the part of the secondaries. I will tell you the same things - and then I will add that I'm glad the Bombers started to play in the 4th quarter because that was about the time that I wondered what craziness had brought me to sit outside and freeze to watch my football team suck it up in the playoffs. At least I could start to cheer about something again and get the blood moving to warm up a bit.
It was cold.

The last time I remember being that cold was - strangely enough - at the Grey Cup game 2 years ago. It was that same "pain in my toes" cold. Again, brought on by my own choice. I wanted to be there.

And if I really think about it, prior to that, the joint pain I remember was in my hands - in an attempt to throw snowballs at friends. Again, my own choice.

The last while I've been feeling "cold" in regards to God.
It feels like it takes a lot to get the blood running and to really feel excited about our relationship.
Don't get me wrong.
The solid truths still seem to hold firm.
I know them - and for the most part,
can stick to them.
However, the desire to do so,
or to invest my time and energy,
or to want to invest my time and energy
is where the "cold" comes in.

Funny thing is,
that like the cold in my joints,
I own much of the responsibility for this feeling of lack-lustre faith.
Choosing to trust
choosing to invest
choosing to find joy
instead of plugging away of my own accord...
all of those pieces I have control over.

And my choices have left me cold.
God has been throwing mitts at me.
This last week my inner "thermostat"
has been very aware of the temperature of my faith.
And I got mitts.
And boots.
And an extra large hot chocolate.

It seems that God won't let my cold be the final say.
He's brought in some 4th quarter action to get the blood running again.

He got my attention.

Labour-less Weekend

Another long weekend canoe trip.
Another weekend of beautiful weather.
Another chance to paddle the Canadian Shield
and sing Pocahontas' "Just Around the River Bend"
while watching bald eagles fly overhead
and dream dreams of canoeing with tarps in dry sacs over rapids.

Okay, so that last part probably doesn't make much sense to most of you, but it added to the goodness of our girls' canoe trip this weekend.

We had a great weather and were able to paddle a good 2 hours up Bird River before we stopped after a long portage and decided to pitch a tent for the night. We built a small fire and roasted some hot dogs before falling asleep beside some fresh "bear" prints.
(Even though I was pretty sure they belonged to a dog, I didn't allow that to interfere with my humanity and prayed that the bears would find someone else to indulge in for their midnight snack.)

This is the end of our 2nd portage where we slept the first night.


We paddled another 3.5/4ish hours along the slow moving river,
enjoying the incredible quiet.
I can't really explain it.
It's so quiet that it's not.
You can hear the birds and the crickets,
and the splash of ducks and loons along the water.
It's almost a more sacred kind of noise. Awesome.

We passed more beaver dams than we could count - and saw an otter and a muskrat along the way.


We arrived after a number of other boats had already paddled in, but landed one of the nicer spots we've seen along the water's edge.
Although it at first looked like a wide open rock with a fire pit,
we saw a path through the bushes that went up a hill only to find a picnic table, another fire pit, a nice flat area in the trees - even an outhouse.
On such a windy weekend, the sheltered site was a blessing and we enjoyed the privacy combined with our own beach-front rock for afternoon swimming, reading (The Shack - that could be a whole other blog!), and napping.


I canoed this way a couple years ago - and sadly went in and under while trying to paddle over these little rapids. We laughed at our inability to make it over such a small glitch in the way. This picture doesn't really show the rapids, but it does show me on the other side of them still in the canoe. We even portaged the canoe back up in order to try going more through the middle for a better ride through the second time around.


And now,
back to work.
Labour-full weeks ahead.

Better than Planned

After much wondering and many stretches,
I was able to play all 6 of my Ultimate playoff games this week.
I was very excited to be back.
This is our 3rd place team in the "Have Fun" division. :)
I went to physio today - where I was told that I don't need to come back for 2 weeks. No more ice, a few more stretches, and hopefully next time around I'll be totally finished. When I think of where I was a month ago, I am totally thankful for what I can do. God is good.

Today was back at school as well.
I don't think I got much done.
It's amazing how much time a person can spend in a small room
and really do very little.
Oh heh.

And here is my new haircut.
It's actually short and curly,
but I'm not convinced on the length yet.
They tell me it's cute,
but I'm going with the straightened version.
I quite like it.
And it adds at least an inch - maybe two.

Not-So-Earth-Shattering

Okay, I don't really have much to say.
I've been back at work
and might actually be organized when I begin this year.
I'm not writing myself off just yet.

However, in exciting news
I played Ultimate tonight
and my shoulder totally works.
It wasn't sore at all and I didn't hold back.
Except on the running part.
I haven't run for almost 6 weeks.
That's a long time to undo endurance training.

Time for ice.
Hopefully it's not stiff tomorrow!

Summer Not-So Goodness

That delightful tube ride 2 weeks ago landed me in physio this morning.
No surgery needed, but my ultimate season is over for the summer.
I'm hoping that a lot of diligence on my part
and maybe even the good grace of God
will let my shoulder heal a little more quickly,
allowing me to play during championship weekend.
Heh.
That's all for now.

On second thought,
If it heals more slowly than anticipated
I may need help putting up all my bulletin boards for the fall.
There may be a little grace of God in there, too.

Summer Goodness Part II

Summer goodness continues.

A few highlights.

Alaska.
Need I say more?
It was incredibly beautiful – mountains and ocean in the same place.
Bald eagles, humpback whales, orcas, sea lions.
Glaciers, glacier lakes, bright blue ice chunks.
Sunsets.

Standing on the deck in the evening when everyone else on the ship was more inclined to indoor activities. It was quiet, apart from the wind blowing my hair and the sound of the water trailing the boat. Watching the clouds and the sun going down. Near silence. And a bit of a chill in the air. It was amazing.

Ziplining through the rainforest (yes, Alaska has the 2nd largest rainforest in the world. Who knew?)

Whale watching. Wow. God and I were having a chat during most of this. I have loved whales since I was young. In fact, in my grade 9 yearbook write up, one of my future goals was to have a killer whale in my backyard. (I try to be more of a realist these days…). We saw an incredible number of humpbacks. Then we saw sea lions fighting for position on a coast guard buoy out in the water. So I’m having this chat with God, expressing thanks at seeing all these whales so close up, and letting him know that I’ve come to terms with not seeing any orcas, because in reality it’s not that likely – even if they were my favourite. And it was like God responded to me in one of those “desires of your heart” kinds of moments, because our boat received a radio call about a pod of orcas up ahead. And there they were, flying along through the water. Amazing. And very real. And I loved it.

And then there was kayaking in the glacier lake – Lake Chilakoot. Again, beautiful.

And then there was a good weekend at a friend’s cabin. This is me shortly before I went into the water Superman style following something schmucking my face and me reefing on my shoulder. It resulted in me having a very low-key rest of the weekend, and a rather slow and relaxed week. Two torn tendons will do that to a person. But I’m recovering. And it’s forcing me to slow down a bit.

I guess I could also include a couple of good days with friends. Today finished off with a night at the Bombers’ game. Beautiful weather. Good game – intense to the very end - with a victory for us, and a good night hanging out with a good friend.

Sigh.
Summer goodness continues.

Summer goodness

Well, it seems like it took a long time to get here,
but it has arrived.

Summer.

It's funny to me that some of my summer highlights are half over -
like Ultimate.
Or like Nate, Shawna, and Thijs visiting.
Or like ...
Okay, that's all.

I had what seemed to be a very surreal summer experience last night.
I was driving home on a gravel road
and watching carefully for deer,
as I had seen one on the way down the road the first time.
I saw the deer in the ditch on the left - it was heading toward the highway.
I slowed down as I passed and checked my rearview mirror as I drove by.
The sun was setting and it was definitely duskish.
As I continued to scan the sides of the road,
something funny caught my eye.
The deer that I had previously passed
was running up along the left side of my car.
Like country dogs.

So I checked online - and apparently they can run between 30-35 mph.
Which is about as fast as I was driving.

I stepped gently on the brake and slowed a bit.
It continued to accelerate and ran past, and then in front of my car
into the opposite ditch.
Crazy.
And then off it went.
And off I went.
Toward the setting sun.

Summer goodness.

Ahh yet again

This is me procrastinating.
I was doing so well.
I finished 18 report cards in 8 hours today -
and I even took a lunch break.

Now I'm at home.
It is the wee hours of the morning.
I have accomplished 2 in a very looong period of time.

But I'd like to have 4 or fewer to go in the morning.
I was not feeling negative pressure at 4 pm when I stopped.
I am starting to feel like this is not as great as I felt it was earlier today.

Heh.
By this time tomorrow I will have finished report cards.
I will have moved my classroom.
I will have finished all the other things on my year end checklist that need to be done.
I will also have watched the Bombers home opener.

Somehow that seems better than this.
....okay.
Back to it.

I'm Humbled

I guess I forget sometimes
that honesty and integrity matter.
Maybe forget is the wrong word.
It just seems like it takes a lot of work.
And is everyone else really working at it?
I get upset at needing to communicate when it means confrontation.


I'm not sure why I get so self-pitying about it.
It's funny (as in ironic - not funny haha)
that Satan totally nudges us to not want to do the right thing.
More out of selfish pity than anything else.


And yet, my head and my heart are drawn to it.
That's a God thing.
Not a me-thing.
But it's good.
And even better when I actually listen to the nudges.
Even when it's difficult.
I know that the results are worth it.
Long term, anyway.
That I can attest to.
It just feels like work.
And it is.

But I am humbled as I am reminded that God has called me to each moment of confronting in love. And my obedience allows Him to work in a way that others can see Him. I forget that He uses me. And I forget that He really does know all of the details before I even know the beginning.
He is good.
And He is alive and at work.

May we be faithful servants
so that the Master can do His work.

When Sleep Comes Later...

Someone asked me today if my night would be okay.
And I told them that I would be distracted.
Meaning that I would procrastinate with every other possible task
before coming to terms with the work that I really need to complete.
And truth be told,
I got a few things done that needed to be.
And I did a lot of procrastinating.
But I guess that's the way I process.
And I know that about myself.
If I hadn't promised my kids I'd give their tests back
I may have just turned in early
and tried to turn off my brain awhile.

My brain turned off for the most part.
I am almost done the tests.
But my brain has turned itself back on.
I think music does that to me sometimes.
It lets me shut down,
but it also breaks me down and leaves me wide open.

What does living in community really look like?
And Christian community more specifically.
Does it mean honesty at all costs?
Does it mean holding people accountable even it seems that it won't change them?
Does it mean expressing how you feel even if the end result is the same?
Does it mean "sucking it up" because "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone?"
Does it mean that you stamp your feet every once in awhile,
even if it seems a little childish?

Is that really what it takes?
And why can't it just be simple sometimes?
Like why do integrity and respect need to be so difficult?


I finally loaded up my iTunes and played a song that for some reason unbeknownst to me has been in my head all weekend.
And I was reminded me that God speaks to me through music.
I guess there's a reason this blog got the name it did.
And the reason I've been singing the same words over and over.
(Only interrupted by a curious rendition of "Darling, Save the Last Dance for Me."

Point being -
"All of Him is more than enough for me."
(That was the song).
I think it still means I need to follow a few of the above.
Maybe a combination of some honesty,
some accountability,
some sucking it up,
and probably even some, "You need to know that hurt."

But I'm also reminded that Mr. Beaver was right.
"Safe? Who said anything about safe?
'Course He isn't safe. But He's good."

"The Lord gives strength to His people;
The Lord blesses His people with peace."

Snowmobiling Part deux

The second part of the snowmobiling experience is a very fitting analogy as well.
Trust the guide...



Sometimes the guide gets off and points to the accelerator.
He explains where the brakes are and then sits in the back,
nodding that I should trust,
but I'm going to need to take some action if I want to get home.
It's another form of trust.

"Trust me when I say you can do it."
"Take it slow and you'll be fine."
"But take it - I'll be here on the back of the sled."

There's a little less guidance.
It's not that He's gone.
Or that He's throwing me into something I can't handle,
but that doesn't mean I feel in control.
Or that I feel like a seasoned driver.
I have to concentrate and think through each move.
I have Him holding on me, instead of holding on as tightly as I feel I need to.

He's not gone.
He's just asking me to stretch myself a bit.
And if it feels a little like there's an accident waiting to happen.
Chances are, He's trustworthy,
And He knows that I'll be fine
And maybe even better for it in the end.

Maybe?
Trust.

Probably.

Procrastination

Another night where there is lots to be done -
And so, I guess it's time to blog.

For the record, my garage door is broken again and I think I may have to call in an actual repair guy. I may wait until summer. The current downside (besides opening and closing the door on my own) is that the light inside the garage doesn't go on automatically without the door opening and closing on its own. That was a lovely safety feature for me in the back alley when I pulled in and out late at night. I figure that in due time it will be light enough and warm enough and I won't care about opening and closing the door. Then I can tackle it again myself or call someone to help me when I'm actually home to greet them.

We had Louis Riel day here - so no school.
The folks around here aren't sure if that's a fitting name or not.
An important person in the history of Manitoba,
but he was hung for treason following the 1885 Red River Rebellion.
Worth celebrating?
Hmm.
Either way, I was just glad for a day off.

I went with some friends to their cottage.
I did some reading,
some dozing,
some more reading,
some snowmobiling -
oh, did I mention snowmobiling?
And there was a hot tub, too.
All very good.

A few randomly connected/disconnected thoughts.
I'm much happier as a passenger than as a driver on the snowmobile.
Generally I like to be in control -
but I'm not familiar with snowmobiles,
and am therefore not really in control when I'm in the driver's seat.
At the same time,
I have no trouble sitting behind someone whom I'm totally trust.
I let him drive
and enjoyed the speed
the scenery
the freedom.
All very good.

Last night we took the kids out to a warm up shack and built a fire in it
just for a mini-adventure.
We went when it was totally dark out.
We went a few at a time as we had more people than snowmobiles.
Someone had closed the vents on my helmet
so as soon as the visor was down, it and my glasses totally fogged up.
I couldn't see a thing.
But I didn't really care.
At first I thought it was strange.
It totally put me into my own world.
And at the same time,
it demanded only one thing of me.
Trust.
I had to hold on,
lean for turns when it seemed my driver did the same.
Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of something close to the top of the visor as it wasn't quite as foggy above my eyes.

Seems like the story of God and me somehow.
Sometimes I feel like I'm totally in the dark.
But I get glimpses here and there
of what He's doing in
and with my life.
Funny thing.
All He asks of me is to trust
and to obey.
To hold on for the ride
and obediently lean in the right direction when He or His Word show me what that is.
All He is asks of me is to trust Him
and know that He will get me to my destination.
Here's to letting Him drive
to enjoying the speed -
or the not so speedy parts -
the scenery
the freedom.

365/1

A lot can happen in a year.
I guess a lot can not happen, too.

Someone said to me today that today last year doesn't seem like that long ago.
And I had to agree.
And disagree all at the same time.

Usually it seems like the bigger number is more.
Today, 1 year sounds like a long time.
365 days seems like nothing.

However, in 365 days, which seems like nothing,
I have been blessed with new friends - who in many ways seem like they have been a part of my life for years.
Truth be told, I can't really imagine not having them around.

In 1 year (11 months), I have driven a new Corolla
which some days seems like brand new,
and other days still makes me want my old one back.

In 1 year, I have healed, grieved, lost, and rebuilt a friendship.

In 365 days I have watched every episode of all 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls.
Okay, so that took way less than 365 days.

In 365 days my dad gave my yard a face lift and re-furnished my office to make the mess more manageable (Yes - it's still relatively a mess...but differently so!), and came to help me buy a new car.

In 1 year, I have learned that some things will be eternally frustrating.
In 1 year, I have learned that I will never understand how much and how deeply God loves me.
I will also never understand why He needs to break me so often in order to build me.

In 365 days, I have started to wear pink again.
In 365 days, I have grown because of grief shared with a friend - which should seem, it would seem, like a year -
but in His own plan of events, God changed it into some great days.

I guess there's a lot I could say.
And I lot that I'll never be able to explain enough to make it make sense.

But I'm glad I heard laughter tonight - and a willing spirit.
I'm glad I had my "family" to spend almost every evening with this week.
I'm glad that I have meetings to occupy the evenings of the week ahead.
And I'm looking forward to being able to tackle the next 365 days with a different kind of start.

Here's hoping.

LiftMaster and LifeMaster

Allow me to begin by stating that I began the afternoon thinking that LiftMaster was hardly an appropriate name for the garage door opener in my garage. I couldn't figure out why the door kept coming back up when it hit the ground. Well, after trying to fix it on my own (with advice from a few friends), I took out the manual - and what do you know? When you follow the steps it gives, you can very easily fix the problem! After arriving late at school on Tuesday, and going through the motions of manually lifting/closing the door all week (not like that makes me hard done by - I actually appreciate the luxury more now!), I pulled out the ladder this afternoon and fixed my door. Ah. Feels good.

Round 2. The LifeMaster.
I was having a discussion with some friends this afternoon and felt myself struggling with the question of motive.

The topic in question was how we live our lives between the "trees" - i.e. - between Genesis and Revelation, which is really right now.

I guess I'm not sure of all the theology behind it.
I know that the Bible says to store up treasures in heaven.
I know that it also says that we will be judged.
I know, too, that it says we will be rewarded.
On a side note - I had another theological discussion with someone the other day that who believes that we really don't deserve punishment and that we deserve God's love because we are trying our hardest to live a life of love as per the example of Jesus.

But that's another story.
This question seems to be contradicted in two parables:
the one where a man entrusted money to 3 men - one did nothing with it, one invested it in small amounts and one invested it in big amounts - it challenges me to think about what I do with the gifts God has given me. And, I believe, it tells me that God blesses us when we use our gifts for the service of His kingdom.

The second is the parable where workers are hired at different times of the day to work until the same finishing time. Each is paid the same total amount, no matter how long they worked.

So my question is, are there better rewards to be earned in heaven?

My answer to that question is no.
Not sure on the theology.
But here's my thinking.
Rom. 6 says that the gift of God is eternal life.
How does it get better than that?
How does someone experience better wholeness in Christ than someone else in a perfect new Jerusalem where there is no sadness - pain is taken away.
Is there really ranking and levels of blessing?
In our discussion, there was disagreement on that one.

My take on the first parable has a lot to do with understanding that the kingdom of heaven is alive and real right here on earth. I believe that our reward for using our gifts and blessings to the service of others and the furthering of God's kingdom brings us great joy and peace here on earth. I think the joy of serving and seeing someone else delight in a gift I am able to share with them is great reward.
This, too, was different from some others in our group.
Some very strongly believe that God will give better and greater crowns based on our earthly commitment and service to Him.
Maybe there's a reason the disciples argued over who would get to sit at Jesus' right hand in heaven.

Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe we will be so perfect and un-human that we won't become envious of our neighbour's crown, but will delight completely in each other's successes.
But I want to think that eternity with Christ is enough.

Maybe the point of our argument was wrong.
I felt like there was motivation to do good because it would earn greater rewards in heaven.
I'll be honest.
I'm not comfortable with that idea at all.
When I serve or love or forgive,
I want to believe that I do it because Christ did all of those things for me first.
I want to believe that my heart wants so much to recognize God's grace in my life,
that I love and serve and forgive because I want my life to reflect the gratitude in my heart for the gift of Christ.

Maybe there are rewards.
Maybe that's where the judgment comes in.
But I'd rather not do them for fear of judgment or anticipation of reward.

May the LifeMaster be my LifeMaster because He is.
Not because I'm afraid of how He'll punish me
or because I am seeking a reward that I feel I deserve.
And may I gratefully seek to serve Him
because He loves me unconditionally
and I owe Him my life.

Even if my theology is a little off.

"...I will show Him my faith by what I do." - James

Follow the Star...

I have been particularly struck by the story of the wisemen this Christmas season.
Thoughts about how these men picked up and left everything they had and knew
to follow a light that was brighter than the others.
Can you imagine what kind of flack they would get today?
Hop on a camel -
granted that was the current day mode of transportation -
but, really, it wasn't a two year dune buggy ride across the desert.

One of the parts that got me this year
was someone describing the arrival of the magi in Bethlehem.
Be reminded that Jesus was about 2 years old at this point.
It wasn't the same craziness of the census -
people everywhere, animals and travelers taking over the town.
It was 2 years later.
The original excitement of the shepherds and the angels had died down.
The meetings with and prophecies from Simeon and Anna long since past.

Imagine a quiet day in Bethlehem.
Mary had been working in her home all morning while Jesus toddled about
landing hard once or twice as he tried to run along the uneven dirt floor of their small home.
Joseph had been home for a lunch of stew and freshly baked bread,
but had returned to his carpentry shed out back.
With lunch finished, Mary had put Jesus down for an afternoon nap before they would visit the neighbour down the road to share some vegetables from her small garden.

And then it happened.

There was a noise coming from out the window.
Men speaking a language she was unfamiliar with.
And before she knew it there was a knock at the door.
And so she opened it.
Can you imagine the sight?

Men dressed in robes and jewels,
riding camels,
carry gifts.

Can you imagine the talk amongst the neighbours at the arrival of these out-of-towners?

The men started to explain their story.
A star.
A king.

And Mary un-packed the treasures she had buried in her heart and knew this was just another unbelievable moment in her story as the mother of the Messiah.

She invited them in.
And ran to get Joseph from out back.
She hurried back to the house and lifted Jesus out of his finely crafted cradle.
He fussed a bit as his sleep was disturbed.
She tried to quiet Him,
explaining that He had special visitors.

All the while the neighbours peaked through the windows in their tiny homes.
Who where these foreigners?
And why were they visiting this family that had only moved into town a short while ago.

Can you imagine?


Our service this morning centred on the visit of the Magi.
Our children's message talked about the invitation to the Magi as they saw something spectacular and decided to follow it, trusting that it would lead them to a king.

And what a King they found!

I had to ask myself if my faith is such that I would follow that invitation to put so many things aside to truly seek after the King. It often seems that my time and energy for directly and intently seeking after the King get put somewhere else.

The prayer that followed struck a chord with me -
"Lord, forgive our poor sense of direction..."
(for those who don't know, getting lost and asking for directions could easily top my list of gifts and talents...)
We know the way.
We know where the star leads.
And yet it seems at times that we are incredibly mis-guided.
Maybe a new year is a time to roll out the map again.
To take out the compass and do a direction check.
And when I see the needle pointing west when I know I've been called north,
what difference will it make?
What difference should it make?

"Lord, forgive my poor sense of direction."