And God cries...

This afternoon after doing some reading
and taking some me and God time,
I went outside with some friends
and skated and played "hockey"
(as much as can be played with 4 people...)
but it was perfect weather.
And there was almost no one else on the rink.

And it got me away from me for awhile
which I needed it to do.

After having a head-on-butt encounter
(short girl bending knees while trying to get the puck
from tall guy standing straight, resulting in collision)
that left my neck a bit out of sorts,
I realized that time on the ice was winding down
and it was time to get back into my other world.
The real one.

It seems to me that lately brokenness in the world
has become bold and italicized.
It may be just in my own mind
and especially in my own heart
but I can't seem to shake it.
And maybe that's a good thing.
A humbling awareness of where I need to bring the light of the resurrection.
A humbling awareness of what it is that we are human and we fail.
And how great it is, then, that God loves us.

But it's a painful thing.
And I can't help but be aware that if it bothers me as much as it does
that it leaves me unable to sing How Great Thou Art -
not because He isn't great...
but that He is - He's that great...
That He sees much more hurt than I can even imagine.
And He doesn't just see it, but He experiences it.
Because He hurts when we hurt.
And He knows the way He wanted it to be.

On my drive to church tonight I couldn't help but pray,
"Maranatha, Christ come quickly."

"Behold, I am making all things new..."
Why do the renovations take more work, energy, and time than the original building project?

Oh heh.

So I haven't shovelled in a good while. Actually not since my uncle visited in the first and second weeks of January. It has snowed a fair amount since then. In little dustings, mind you, but enough to make the steps slippery and uneven.

Last night it snowed a bunch more and as I went down the back steps I couldn't see if I was on a step or on the sidewalk. This new snow also covered the unevenness of the old snow.

And heh.

I totally twisted my ankle and slipped. I was covered in snow before I even got to the garage. Great start to the day, eh? But I protected my kids' work and my laptop. Yes, hold your breath. I am such a hero.

Then I played floor hockey at lunch, because at that time, my ankle seemed pretty much recovered.

It is now rather sore. I cannot cross my ankle under my other leg on the couch.
Maybe I'm just a princess.
But it hurts.

And what can I say? It's my own fault. I vow to shovel before Monday. I have a meeting at my house and I cannot have my guests twisting any ankles.

Eloi, Eloi...

My head has been a few places in the last while.
My heart, too.

I was at a concert tonight and must confess to not really listening at all.
It was loud enough that I could tune out the world around me and just focus inside my own head,
which, to be truthful,
has been a difficult task as of late.

I was challenged yesterday to discover and get to know the heart of God.
And the fourth song the band played tonight (the first one I knew) had a repetitive chorus of "I want to fall in love with You."
A song of intense desire to truly know and love our Creator.

And suddenly I was in my own world.
Asking questions of myself.
Falling in love involves coming to really know and understand the heart of someone else.
And in this case,
coming to know and understand,
as far as is humanly possible,
the heart of God.

How does He hurt when we, His delicate creations, hurt ourselves?
How does He hurt when we simply can't hold onto the truth that He loves us enough to have watched and allowed His son die in our place?
How does He hurt when for lack of words and understanding we settle into robot mode, acknowledging that He is taking care of both our most significant and insignificant needs, but forgetting to thank Him for His grace and for His faithfulness in doing so?

If I look into the heart of God,
I see a Father who loves us so much He lets us go...
only to have us hurt Him in return.

And then I see His faithfulness.
In spite of every other detail.
In spite of my failure to look outside of me.
In spite of His hurt, His sadness,
He looks down on me and says,
"You still need my love.
Even though you hurt me.
Even though you don't believe I am enough.
Even though I want you to turn to me first - not after everyone else.

But because I love you,
I will provide for you friends -
who act in my name.
Who walk alongside you.
Who listen to you.
Who offer comfort and prayer.
Who remind you to hope.
And to trust.
And to be still and know
that I am God.
I am your God."

Eloi, Eloi, lama NOT sabachthani?

Because You have promised,
and are faithful.

Saved by the Bell...

It is a faithful God who gives us the changing of the seasons
both outside
and inside.

Class dismissed.

Indoor Recess

Do you remember indoor recess?
On those days when it was just plain too cold to be outside?
Or maybe it was raining.

But the point
is that you were stuck inside a building...
or maybe even inside a classroom
for a whole day.
You couldn't get out.
You couldn't run around.
You couldn't get any fresh air.
And maybe you got a little out of control -
cabin fever, as it were.
You couldn't REALLY have recess
and enjoy playing outside the way you were supposed to.

Allow me to list some of the things that went wrong yesterday after 2 indoor recesses:
2 white board markers on the floor without their caps.
2 desks over-turned, contents spilling on the floor.
1 of the 2 desks was overturned on purpose -
because the kid whose desk it is "did something weird".
One boy crying.
2 kids playing keep away with a big exercise ball.
a book and pile of papers on my desk found itself knocked to the floor.
3 girls in a yelling match and tears over a "fun" game they were playing on the board that goes something like this:
"__place name here__ is a ____insert words not worth repeating here _____."
3 stolen birthday cupcakes taken from on top of peoples' desks.
Sounds like a fun day, hey?

I think I'm currently undergoing an "indoor recess."
It's like someone or something is telling me I can't get outside...
Can't run around,
let off a little steam,
maybe even a yell or two.
Some fresh air would be nice
but I'm stuck.
And it makes the inside of me go a little out of control.

There's a piece of me that needs to get out...
or be let out.
It's healthy.
It might be a bit cold.
The dark cloud may hover awhile.
My hair might even frizz from the humidity and the rain.

But really,
there's something very healing
about being honest...
something very healing
about a good breath of fresh air.