Keeping on, keeping on....

It's been a week (or more!) with little to share.

Today is supposed to be suture removal day, but we are going to leave them in for 5 extra days until I see the surgeon in Edmonton next week. 

The part of the incision that re-opened doesn't look beautiful, but most of it is healing. 

There are a few spots that an extra stitch might have been helpful, but I have been reassured by a valued medically - wise friend that it should heal up properly in time.

As a result, I'm still not doing a lot. 

Every twist or bend pulls a little and extends the healing time that much more. 

So, feeling pretty good.

But still limited in reaching and bending.

Which some days doesn't matter much, but other days, I realize that I still need support staff for a lot of regular things.

We're getting there and trying to be patient.

I am thankful for these slow, summer days, 

where having two drivers isn't a necessity;

where being out and about is nice, but not required;

where spending time at home with my family is very doable and time that I maybe wouldn't otherwise spend;

where friends can stop by and check-in;

and where God's faithfulness is in the steady, everyday moments of taking care of each other and having each other to take care of;

of doing the best with the opportunities we have;

in the continued provision of all that we need;

and in having the time required for rest and healing to take place.

Still going and getting there -

one day at a time.

Two in Two Days!

Two in two days must mean something good...
And it does!

I just got off the phone with Central Alberta Cancer Care Centre.

They let me know that there is no reason for me to come in to see them as they won't be doing chemo.

They met with their team and went over my file.

All follow-up will take place between my surgeon and family practitioner.

That is a huge answer to prayer.

And an anticipated fall of healing and taking some time to enjoy my family differently than I've been able to in the last few weeks, 

and differently than I will be able to in the coming weeks as I let my abdomen heal.

God is good!

He would still be good even if this wasn't the answer to prayer we received.

But I am thankful all the same.

And I am humbled that He has chosen to answer us with so many yeses. 

We also heard from the surgeon this morning following our Monday night stress.

Sutures will stay in a little longer than usual and he will take them out when I see him for follow-up in a couple of weeks. 

In the meantime, no bending. 

Ha.

I will do my best.

Follow-Up to Monday's Appt

It's been quite a week, it seems, but I realize it's only Wednesday.

Monday afternoon we packed up in anticipation of coming home following the appointment with the surgeon - and our visit did not disappoint.

Lab results came back from what the surgeon had taken out.

He confirmed that it is/was stage 2 - essentially meaning that it was fully contained where it was;

Lymph nodes - clear, 

cells on either side of the tumour - clear, 

no other signs of spreading. 

It is amazing news. 

We are so thankful for all of the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. 

And so thankful that God has been merciful.

Thankful for all the medical staff who have helped along the way.

And for the people who have carried and continue to carry all of this with us.

We were told that chemo is not usually done for stage 2 cancer, although because of my age, I may still have some. 

A referral has been sent to an oncologist and we anticipate hearing a final word on that in the weeks ahead.

But for now, a very hopeful and positive outcome.

God has been very gracious.

Staples were removed and we headed back to Rocky Mountain House breathing huge sighs of relief.

It's funny. 

There was relief.

But also a different kind of apprehension. 

I texted a few people that evening to pass on our news, and said with a laughing emoji,

"Moving a little extra cautiously as I'm not as convinced as he is that everything is going to stay shut."

And I was.

Moving cautiously and slowly. 

Just before bed, I was sitting down and leaned forward slightly, when my incision re-opened.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't traumatized a little.

There's a reason this update didn't come sooner. 

Everything that felt so sure, was suddenly unsure and out of my control.

I'm no expert on closing major abdominal wounds. 

We did our best and then visited the ER to get things re-stitched together.

And I've been moving a lot more slowly.

And feeling a lot more anxious.

And where before I was ready to try things and to figure out the right way to move to ensure I could still do as many things as I could without asking for help,

I have become very okay with asking for help and staying in place; lying down as much as possible and giving all those torn cells as much time and space as I can for them to re-heal.

And it's not that I don't know it will heal.

It's not that I don't trust that God is bigger than this set-back.

But when things feel fragile, it takes over a little.

And sometimes I need a push to get back on the Thankful-Train instead of hanging out on Stress-Street.

I'm thankful that we were at home when it happened and not driving down Highway 2.

I'm thankful that the ER wasn't busy and that I could be seen right away and stitched back together.

I'm thankful that we knew the nurse that evening, who helped us feel well taken care of.

I'm thankful for friends who could be called after the hours where people usually make phone calls and show up ready to care for our girls who were a little worried after waving their mom off in an ambulance.

I'm thankful for Ken being home these days, ready and willing to do all the things. 

So many things.

And for texts and cards and quilts and meals and riddles and little painted R-pods that remind me that we are loved and not alone.

God is ever-present and keeps showing up in all the people who cross our path as His hands and feet.

I'm thankful for girls who love Lego and reading books and who are trying to have some "normal" summer days in spite of all the extra this time around.

I'm thankful for a daughter who is an expressive reader who read to me on the couch all afternoon today.

My brother said to me last week, "You have good people." 

And he is so right.

So, even though we've had a little set-back,

And I'm moving much more slowly again,

We continue to be on the way to recovery, one day at a time.

Trusting that God who has known all the details up until now, knew about this part of the journey, too.

Celebrations and Humble Thanks

We have been spending some time with my family for the last few days,

in anticipation of celebrating my parents' 50th wedding anniversary this weekend.

Tonight we celebrated with dinner as a family - made a few things on our own, picked a few things up, and enjoyed my brother's BBQ'ing skills at home. 

It allowed us to just spend some more time together, looking at pictures, telling stories, laughing, and celebrating the gift of family and 50 years of marriage.

Some more celebrating with friends is yet to come.

It has been so very good to spend time with family instead of on my own at the hospital - feeling like I was pulling Ken away from our girls, but also needing him to be there with me. 

I'm still not moving quickly, but it's more okay if there is time between pain pills.

I can't reach all of the things, but I can reach lots of them.

My girls inspect my staples each night - we're trying to make that as normal as possible. 

They're pretty sure it's gross to have staples in your abdomen, 

but also, it's pretty amazing that God made our bodies to heal the way they do. 

It's coming along.

I baked today. 

Not entirely on my own, but there were hands ready to help where needed and it just made me feel a little more like myself again. 

We have a visit Monday with the surgeon to get the staples removed.

Hopefully, we'll also have a better idea of further referrals at that point.

Continued thanks for all the prayers and encouragement we are receiving. 

We are humbled.

And so very thankful.

Out!

This will be short. It has been a full day and I’m tired.

However, I was discharged today and got to spend the evening playing cards and visiting with my family.

I’m not moving quickly, but I’m moving and we are on the road to recovery. 

God is good. 

And we are thankful.

In Sickness and in Health…

Thank you for all the wonderfully encouraging words and for all the prayers that have been offered for me and for my family; over the last weeks, and specifically for today.

I am so glad that God’s got this. 

Surgery is complete.

The surgeon said it went well and so we are on the way to recovery. 

I had a great nurse at check-in this morning.

The IV was successful on the first try.

My girls were in the most excellent hands.

And I think we’re figuring out a bit of a balance between pain meds and nausea. 

Not the best day of my life, but also with only 1 possible“best” day, it’s tough competition. 😏

I did my best to offer Ken the opportunity to fulfill some of our marriage vows today as we celebrated our anniversary. 

He sat beside me all day, offered me sips of water, ate the hospital food I couldn’t stomach, helped with temperature control, and pretty much did whatever I asked of him. 

“In sickness and in health” isn’t the glamorous part…

but it is the steadfast, loyal expression of love that I am so grateful for - every day - but today in particular.

This was supposed to be a surgery update, but turned into a public anniversary card. 

Sorry.

You get what you get. 

Alternate Reality

It's been a week - and while nothing has changed in the pre-op plans or medical updates, it would be unfair to report nothing when I've said that I would.

One more pre-op on Tuesday and then surgery on Friday. 

Less than a week to go. 

We are spending time with family and some friends - and in some ways nothing about the cancer seems real.

Catching up on life, watching the girls play and laugh and reconnect after another year. 

Escaping escape rooms and drinking coffee upon coffee while picking up after time gone by.

One of my girls voiced what Ken and I had already been talking about the other night - 

"I don't want to leave. 

Then we have to start thinking about cancer and surgery and you." 
And she's not wrong. 

Mostly, I feel pretty good.  

Mostly, there is nothing different about the last 2 weeks of this summer compared to previous summers.

Mostly, we're enjoying staying up late, sleeping in, eating summer snacks, and swimming at the lake.

Mostly.

There are the days when tears come quickly. 

There are moments my body reminds me it isn't well.

There are comments and questions that people wouldn't ask if it wasn't real.

But it is.

And as much as we don't really want to start thinking about 

cancer and surgery and all that other stuff, 

we also want it out.

And in order to get past it, 

we first have to work through it.

And we are thankful,

so very thankful,

that we don't have to work through it alone.

Write This Down!

Sometimes we need reminders.

Sometimes I need reminders.

Like 5 screens worth of alarms on my phone.

A calendar that is linked with work, home, and Ken - all full of reminders of things we need to do or places we need to be. 

As I work my way through pre-op appointments, I have sometimes felt the repetition. What meds are you taking, what are your allergies, have you had previous surgeries? 

But I know they ask to be sure; to confirm and double check. You would hate for something to get missed. 

There is repetition in other places. I have told my story a few times in the last month. ;) 

Trying to keep people updated. 

Trying to remind myself of the truth that one-day-at-a-time is much better for my mental heath than jumping ahead to the what-ifs and yeah-buts. 

I am thankful for the little encouragements along the way. For people who step in and affirm the truths that I see in my good moments and know in my heart but struggle to find in the hard moments. 

With that, 3 pre-ops down, 2 to go. Surgery in 2 weeks. 

I have been given a lot of information. Sometimes knowing a lot is good. Sometimes it's hard. But I also know that I need to process and so having information for me is usually helpful. 

As long as I also remember the truth of what I know. 

One of my favourite verses has always been Revelation 21:5, which reads: "He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

While I believe wholeheartedly in the first part, it's not actually my favourite part.

I like the part that gets at my human-ness - "Write this down!" 

Why? "Because these words are trustworthy and true."

Because in my worries and feeling overwhelmed, I forget.

Because in my world of information and details and other people who also have information and details, I get drawn into more than I can handle. I get pulled into thinking it's on me. Thinking it's all on the date the surgeon picked. Thinking it's all on what symptoms I'm feeling or not feeling. Thinking that I somehow have control of something that is out of my hands. 

God has the details. 

He clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds of the air. 

He didn't say, "Write this down," in Matthew 6, but He could have. Because those words are also trustworthy and true. 

Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Pre-Op Plans

 It has already been a week - and yet it seems like a long time since I posted last.

The first couple of weeks were full of ups and downs; updates and appts. 

Now that there is a plan, things have slowed down a bit, and for that I am thankful. 

There is still lots to anticipate and be anxious about, but it seems we have the information we need for now and are actually able to make a few plans that are more typical for the first week of July.

Pre-op dates are set. We thought there would be 1 pre-op appointment, but it turns out there are 5. Thankfully, we received dates for all of them within a day of each other. 

The first office sent 4 dates - all of which they set-up as phone appointments when they realized we do not live in Edmonton. That is an amazing gift! 

The second office called and asked when we wanted to come in - it could be any time between now and the surgery date. I asked for it not to be right in the middle, but closer to now or closer to then. She offered early this week. So, that is my only trip to Edmonton between now and surgery. Another reason to be thankful.

The rest of the visits are spread out over the next 2 weeks, but all over the phone. With that as an option, we are still able to connect with some family pre-surgery and fit in some cousin time for our kids. And although it seems like another planning-life-a-day-at-a-time event, it hopefully allows for some "normal" summer time activities, too.

That's all for now.

Surgery Dates and Itinerary Changes

I posted last time that our surgeon said he wanted surgery in early July and that he didn't want to wait longer.

And so we went through the overwhelm of realizing how quick that was - and trying to remind ourselves of how amazing it was that we were going to be able to get in for surgery much sooner than the initial 4 month estimate we had been given.

On Friday, we heard that it will be 2 weeks later than we thought - mid-July - which is still amazingly quick compared to so many others who I know wait a much longer time than this.

It's amazing how what seemed overwhelming and impossible to accept and be grateful for on Monday, became something so disappointing to have changed by Friday. Suddenly I found myself fighting hard to be grateful for a firm date that is still only 6 weeks after we found out about all of this. 

2 weeks later is only 2 more weeks. 

But it changes plans and dates and expectations and ideas about what our "new" summer plans might look like. It changes ideas about things spreading or not spreading, and it asks us once again to take a step back and look at the big picture.

The call from the surgeon's office followed communication earlier that day with our travel agent. 

Ken had initiated a conversation with her earlier that day about how to go about canceling our Zambia tickets; what steps we had to take with insurance, how much we might actually get back, etc.

As God working in the details would have it, 20 minutes before reaching out to the travel agent, Ken had received an email from the airlines we had booked with saying there was a change to the itinerary. He deleted it - why would he need to know about an itinerary update for flights we were canceling?

What he missed in deleting the email is what our travel agent filled him in on shortly afterward.

The itinerary change was big - over 8 hours different - and so, unbeknownst to us, but thankfully known to her, was that means we can cancel our trip without penalties because the new schedule doesn't work for us. 

Coincidence? I don't think so.

And so our jaws had dropped at God's timing; at how He is working in the little details and giving us this gracious gift of a full refund on our trip plans. 

An hour later, the surgeon's office called to let us know our surgery date.

Which was not the date we had expected. 

Which was longer than the surgeon wanted to wait.

Which was an answer to prayer for allowing me to finish out the year with my students.

Which was more the timing we had initially thought - even if our 5-day-old plans had gotten us fixed on something else.

How easy it was to celebrate God's timing and His working in the details with awe and gratitude when it worked out better than we had expected!

How hard it was to accept God's timing and His working in the details with awe and gratitude when it changed what we had our hearts set on; when our plans were not the same as His. 

The trouble is that God's timing and working in the details are just as real in itinerary changes with airlines as they are in scheduling changes with hospitals and surgeons. 

There are other people who have also been anticipating surgery on the dates we thought we might have, who have also been waiting, and who are also afraid and wondering what's next or how things will go.

And so the trouble isn't really trouble at all - unless I take my eyes off of what I know to be true. 

The trouble is actually that it's hard to trust sometimes. 

It's hard to let go of control and to live what I believe when I say that God is faithful; that He holds the details in His hands; that He holds me and us in the grip of His hand. 

He does. And for that I am thankful. 

I am reminded again that He provides what we need for each day.

"Give us this day our daily bread."